I live out in the sticks, but my mailing address is attached to a little town a couple of miles away. This past weekend was the annual Apple Festival, an event which boasts that it’s been going strong since 1970. Of course, the apple orchards had been bulldozed to make way for bean fields prior to that, but we don’t pay any attention to such trivial matters. Besides, who’s going to come to a soybean festival? (Other than, maybe, the same folks who would patronize an exhibit all about corn.) I’m sure that over the years there have been many folks who’ve arrived here expecting some quaint little town, just brimming with orchards, and cider, and apples, only to be met with flea markets and one measly apple selling booth.
But, this year, the town has almost made up for the lack of apples with its latest cultural addition to the festival. Yes, indeed, an event so classy and artsy that a new attendance record was set on Saturday. I’m referring to that that modern Roman circus known as lawn mower demolition derby. Such an impressive event, that I heard it drew a film crew from CMT—Country Music Television.
Why, God? Why?
Why does it have to be my town? You know, this is already the place with the apple-less apple festival—like that’s not embarrassing enough. Now, it’s drawing record attendance for lawn mower demo derby, a “sport” which seems to me to be just one big set-up for an episode of Rescue 911. And as if it’s not bad enough for this to be local knowledge, now it’s going to be featured on CMT. From now on, when I tell people where we live, they’ll no longer say “Oh, the home of the apple festival.” Instead they’ll say, “Isn’t that where they have that hilljack lawn mower demolition derby?”
But, hey, I guess it could be worse. It could be the lawn mower-less lawn mower demolition derby. Who am I kidding? It’s probably just a matter of time.