Tasty Thursday: The Cookie of Life


See this cookie?  Now, at first glance, you might think it’s an Oreo.  And that’s what it wants you to think, I suppose, because it appears to want to be an Oreo really, really badly.  But take a closer look.  It doesn’t say Oreo, does it?  In the middle where it should say Oreo, it instead has a woman.  A woman, I might add, who looks as if she’s been applying said cookies directly to her hips.  But it can’t be these cookies that gave our fat-bottomed friend her full figure, because you’ll notice that these cookies have “zero trans fats” written right on them.  Or then again, maybe it IS because of these cookies.  I mean, look at her—she looks a little angry standing there with her hands on her ample hips.  Almost as if she’s saying, “Hey, wait a minute!  You tricked me with that zero trans fats thing!  I thought this stuff was diet food!”

Would the person who thought of this please come forward?  Really. Embossing “zero trans-fats” ON the cookie?  ‘Cause, you know whenever I’m eatin’ me a fistful of faux-reos, I’m all about how healthy they are.  In fact, I can often be found examining each cookie individually to see whether or not it is labeled “zero trans-fats.”  You just can’t be too careful these days.  Why, I don’t eat anything unless the marketing people tell me it’s good for me.  Sure, that fat free half & half is probably some sort of homogenated petroleum product, but doggone it, the packaging tells me if I use it I’ll live forever.  And who doesn’t want to do that, right?  I mean, what could be better than subsisting, for-ev-er, on nothing but the fat free fountain of youth?  Cancer?  Bah!  Who’s afraid of cancer?  Heart disease?  It bounces right off.  Why I’ve got a veritable force field of health protection around me, now that I’ve eaten a whole package of trans fat free cookies in one sitting. 

And one of these days, when I’m celebrating my 612th birthday, and the space-age media androids come to ask me how I’ve lived so long, I’ll give credit where credit is due.  “Sandwich cookies,” I’ll say, “and not those over-priced name brand ones, either.  The cheap, imitation Oreos that say ‘no trans fats’ on them, Sonny, that’s the secret to long life.”

4 Responses to “Tasty Thursday: The Cookie of Life”

  1. TC Says:

    Well, butter me and call me a biscuit. I never thought I’d live to see the day that Vortmann’s would produce any kind of a fat free cookie. They’re DUTCH, and we Dutch are all about milk fat, baby. My parents started me out early by dipping my pacifier in buttermilk. Little Mrs. Vortmann there on the cookie is the iconic picture of us Dutch women with our dairymaid hips. That’s the whole reason for the wooden shoes. You can’t perch hips like that on a pair of 3-inch stillettos.

  2. Ryan Says:

    Are the Zero Tranny (ha, get it) cookies good? That is all I want to know. I hate the diet this/low carb that/no saturated or tranny fats because when you really get down to looking at the counts and whatnot, you discover that these flashy labeled healthy foods aren’t any better for you diet wise than the regular stuff (see sugar free ice cream and low carb candy bars).
    Its just like how the experts discovered a few years ago that real butter is healthier than most margarine.

  3. The Moody Foodie Says:

    They’re okay. I mean, shoot, they’re trans fat free—not fat free. Ick. I actually only bought them because they were on clearance at Big Lots and I thought they might be useful for a cheesecake crust or something. Didn’t even realize the zero trans fat thing until yesterday.

    I’m totally with you on the diet food, my friend. My inlaws like to get together at family holidays and pat themselves on the back over how they used low fat this and fat free that. Fact of the matter is, I always eat the full fat version of everything and I’m not any fatter than they are. Don’t try to convince them on that butter thing, either. They will cling to the thought that margarine is healthier ’til the day they die. (Even though the real reason they like it so much is because it’s cheaper.)

  4. Cindy Says:

    I am excited….after all these years of scientist working on the secret to living longer. I think you have discovered a miracle cure for old age. I mean 612 thats getting up there. Who cares if we get a little hippy in the proccess at least it takes away the worry of whether we are going to live through all the other junk they say will kill us.

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