So Not a Sausage

I went for my post-op check-up with Dr Grasee a couple of days before Christmas.  I know you’ve all been anxiously awaiting the report from that visit, wondering what sort of crazy newpple I ended up with.  As I’ve often found with this whole breast cancer deal, the reality really doesn’t live up to the hype.  This newpple isn’t as big as a Vienna sausage—it’s not even as big as a cocktail weenie.  It doesn’t look like my big toe—why, it doesn’t even look like my pinkie toe.  What gives?  I mean, after the post-op instructions made this big deal about “do NOT be alarmed” by the freakish way your newpple looks, I was all psyched up for something that would actually be worth writing about.  Why do you think it’s been so long since I last posted?  I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to make this thing sound funny.

 But, alas, it’s really not all that freakish.  Dang it.  Well, other than the fact that it’s a piece of my groin skin sewn onto my chest.  So, I guess if you actually *think* about it, it’s kind of freaky after all.  But just to look at the thing is kind of a non-event.

 As far as my recovery goes, I have to say that it’s been a piece of cake.  The pain has been minimal, with the groin incision being the most annoying aspect of the entire deal. 

 Of course, I’m relegated to wearing a sports bra, day and night, for the first 4 weeks.  That’s getting on my nerves, but it’s still better than the surgical bra I wore for the first week.  A surgical bra is like your grandma’s sports bra.  Yeah, I know your grandma doesn’t wear a sports bra, but if she did, this is what it would be like.  Big, white, stretchy, with unstretchy straps which are padded, slide through loops and Velcro back onto themselves.  It also Velcroes in front.  Move over Victoria’s Secret—and make way for Myrtle’s Mystery.  The mystery being, how on God’s green earth is a girl supposed to wear clothes over this thing without looking like she’s a body-armor-sporting member of the SWAT team? 

 As you can imagine, it was very exciting to graduate to a sports bra.  However, I’m getting pretty tired of wearing it to bed.  Add that to the list of things that make me feel sexy.  It’s growing by leaps and bounds.  Biohazard undies, greasy newpple tent, 5″ groin scar, 10″ chest scar, newpple made out of aforementioned groin and sewn to aforementioned chest, and to top it all off, so to speak, the 24/7 sports bra. 

 As I said before, it’s a good thing I’m not too sensitive about all this.

4 Responses to “So Not a Sausage”

  1. Mary Creger Says:

    Did you know that here in South Carolina, Vienna Sausages are referred to as “VI-eeenaa Sausage”? Now I am sure that you are asking what that has to do with the price of beans in China but it came to mind as I read your post.
    Now, about Aunt Myrtle’s Mystery~~ What size did you say that was and where in the world do you buy ’em? Do they sell red ones?at WalMart? Greasy newpple tent? scars all over the body? did they do anything for lymph nodes while they were cutting and dicing (my surgeon really gave me a dirty look when I used that term!…who knew that surgeons don’t like civilians to say stuff like that?) What is a greasy newpple tent? Oh, boy…this is really exciting. I am starting to have second thoughts about going through reconstruction. glad you are feeling better and that your recovery has been relatively smooth. Geeeez after all this you will be able to move mountains and conquer any enemy.

  2. Caffeine Says:

    Okay here is this for a visual… since I had a tram for one side due to infection from radiation….The tram skin came from my stomach, so I have a little line of a scar from where my belly button used to be on my brst and did I say I was italian.. yeah a little hair still grows .. I know super sexy right… But I am here living it up.. Happy healing

  3. The Moody Foodie Says:

    Mary, the VI-eeenaa sausage thing doesn’t surprise me in the least. I’ve been to South Carolina a few times. And the surgical bra cannot be bought—it must be earned—and will never ever come in any color but white. Or else you grandma wouldn’t wear it. As for the tent—have you forgotten the previous post already?

    Caffeine~You know that’s the biggest issue I had with the concept of a TRAM or a DIEP was having a new belly button. Something about that just weirded me out. I wasn’t even thinking about having my old belly button sewn shut and living a new life on my chest.

  4. Melanie Says:

    I heart you – funky newpple and all.

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