Although The Noob fills out the bra and at least appears pretty normal while camouflaged by clothing, the fact remains that it is not an actual boob. One of the primary reminders of this—other than the weird contortion thing it does when I lift weights, implant being under the muscle and all—is the fact that it has no feeling.
Now you might think that, having owned a set of boobs for a good many years, I wouldn’t need to actually feel danger in order to keep my boobs out of trouble. However, since having The Noob, I’ve discovered that apparently having nerves that work is what kept my boobs safe and intact for so long. For example, I’ll often find myself holding something in my hand, only to discover that it’s also resting on my boob. This happened just last night. As I stood there holding a ginormous vanilla Coke, and chatting with a couple of friends, I suddenly realized that my cup was meeting some resistance. That resistance was The Noob, which was just hanging out minding it’s own numb business. Oddly enough, I don’t ever recall this happening on the boob side, or for that matter ever happening when I had two boobs. I moved my Coke away from The Noob, only to feel the same resistance again a minute later.
So I’m thinking, perhaps there are some things that I just should not be allowed to hold in my hand anymore. Especially not when being distracted by conversation. The big Coke cup was relatively harmless, but you know, the same cannot be said for things like an ice cream cone. Granted, this is probably not going to be an actual danger, but it won’t look real cool to have a big smear of DQ crunch on The Noob. Not to mention that it would be a waste of crunch.
Or a torch. You know, the old school, explore the catacombs type. Not that I’m often carrying torch, but I’m just sayin’. Bad idea. Especially if silicone is flammable. Wouldn’t want to spontaneously combust. (buh dump bump) And maybe I should not attempt to use a Sharpie. Although I did have to write on my boobs prior to surgery, and I did discover that Mr Clean Magic Eraser will remove surgical marker from skin—-I think I should leave the permanent markers alone. I have a bad enough track record ruining things I can actually feel.
An ice pick, hatchet, and a set of Ginsu knives are all off limits, as is the sharp edge of the can that the Ginsu knife just cut in half. I’m thinking I may also want to avoid other sources of open flame, boiling pots of water, cans of paint, big plates of cheese fries, Kung Pao Chicken, or anything else that I might accidentally dunk The Noob into.
Surely I’m not the only reconstructed cancer girl who has had this type of experience. Anyone care to share their numb noob stories?