See this cookie? Now, at first glance, you might think it’s an Oreo. And that’s what it wants you to think, I suppose, because it appears to want to be an Oreo really, really badly. But take a closer look. It doesn’t say Oreo, does it? In the middle where it should say Oreo, it instead has a woman. A woman, I might add, who looks as if she’s been applying said cookies directly to her hips. But it can’t be these cookies that gave our fat-bottomed friend her full figure, because you’ll notice that these cookies have “zero trans fats” written right on them. Or then again, maybe it IS because of these cookies. I mean, look at her—she looks a little angry standing there with her hands on her ample hips. Almost as if she’s saying, “Hey, wait a minute! You tricked me with that zero trans fats thing! I thought this stuff was diet food!”
Would the person who thought of this please come forward? Really. Embossing “zero trans-fats” ON the cookie? ‘Cause, you know whenever I’m eatin’ me a fistful of faux-reos, I’m all about how healthy they are. In fact, I can often be found examining each cookie individually to see whether or not it is labeled “zero trans-fats.” You just can’t be too careful these days. Why, I don’t eat anything unless the marketing people tell me it’s good for me. Sure, that fat free half & half is probably some sort of homogenated petroleum product, but doggone it, the packaging tells me if I use it I’ll live forever. And who doesn’t want to do that, right? I mean, what could be better than subsisting, for-ev-er, on nothing but the fat free fountain of youth? Cancer? Bah! Who’s afraid of cancer? Heart disease? It bounces right off. Why I’ve got a veritable force field of health protection around me, now that I’ve eaten a whole package of trans fat free cookies in one sitting.
And one of these days, when I’m celebrating my 612th birthday, and the space-age media androids come to ask me how I’ve lived so long, I’ll give credit where credit is due. “Sandwich cookies,” I’ll say, “and not those over-priced name brand ones, either. The cheap, imitation Oreos that say ‘no trans fats’ on them, Sonny, that’s the secret to long life.”