Breath Cancer

As you guys know, I like to keep tabs on the Google search engine terms that land people on my blog.  It’s not that I’m all about the marketing or anything like that.  I’m not sitting around trying to figure out what keywords to use in order to generate the maximum amount of traffic.  Although, I do get immense pleasure out of being high up on the search results for Pete’s Pride Pork Fritters, and have been known to work a pork fritter reference randomly into just about any post.  This serves a dual purpose, by both bolstering my Pete’s Pride position on Google, and allowing an atrocious amount of alliteration.  Heh heh.  I am nothing if not and incorrigible word nerd.  But at least as amusing to me as the Pete’s Pride Pork Fritter thing, (score!  I just snuck in another one!) are some of the bizarre phrases that people Google in order to end up here. 

 Included on the list of recent searches was one for “breath cancer black rollerskates”.  Breath.  Cancer.  Now I’m not sure if this was merely a typo, or perhaps this person has a speech impediment.  I figure, I write like I talk, so why shouldn’t they, right?  Ah, but I suppose in that case they would have searched for “breath canther black roller thkates”.  So, okay, maybe that’s not what was going on with this one.  Maybe they really were searching for breath cancer roller skates (in black, please, because if breath cancer could be seen, it would most certainly be black or at least very very dark green).

 I’ve never heard of breath cancer before, but I’m by no means an expert on such things.  And, if it exists, why it sure would explain the halitosis some folks have.  Oh, snap, do you think my dog has breath cancer?  I bet there’s a special day for that, too.  National Canine Breath Cancer Survivors Day—a holiday that’s as much for those of us who have survived an encounter with our dog’s breath, as it is for the furry survivors themselves. You know, I seem to remember seeing breast cancer awareness kitty litter—how ironic would it be if that were Canine Breath Cancer awareness kitty litter?  Huh? That’d be a whole lot like lung cancer awareness Marlboros.  Maybe that’s why I’ve never seen it.

Cup Holders

In response to my last post, reader Pam suggested that instead of avoiding holding anything in my hand that might be a danger to The Noob, perhaps I should just own the situation, so to speak. Specifically, Pam suggested that I get a cup holder for my noob. That’s great, Pam! Because you have hit upon one of the things that I love the most—cup holders.

Yes, as a chronic consumer of beverages, I think cup holders are great. They’re right up there with mayonnaise, and pork fritters, and roller skates, and canoes. So, you can imagine how excited I was when, on a recent trip to Gander Mountain (it’s an outdoors store, for those of you who may not know) I found a canoe WITH CUP HOLDERS! I’m pretty sure that this thing must have been contructed by God, in heaven, just for me.  But, unfortuately, Gander Mountain thinks I need to give them money for it.  Believe it or not, they want more for it than Panera wants for the infamous Breast Cancer Bagel.  No, really, they do.  So, I did not bring the cup holder canoe home. 

Also more expensive than the Breast Cancer Bagel was the Breast Cancer Kayak at Gander.  Seriously.  I saw two of these things.  And they are totally, and completely PINK.  Now, as much as I like to avoid all the pink ribbon stuff, a thought occurred to me.  How many kayaking breast cancer survivors can there possibly be in The Haute?  Yeah, I’m thinking not too many.  So, I can potentially see a future where the Breast Cancer Kayak is on clearance. 

Uh-oh. 

At what point does my love of a bargain overcome my loathing of the pink?  I’m thinking no less than 50% off.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure Komen could buy my kayaking soul for that amount.  Who knows, I might even take it up to Geist and take on the dragon boat racers.

I Feel a Song Coming On…

Okay, so now for a little bit of randomness.  (Shocking, I know.)

In case you haven’t noticed, yesterday’s post was the first in a couple of weeks.  Now, what you probably don’t know is that when I don’t post, I don’t even visit my blog.  At all.  And now you’re like, “So? Why would you? To see if you wrote anything new yet?”  No, Smartypants, when I’ve been writing, I obsess over frequently check my blog stats.  How many people have been there?  Has anyone left a witty response? Have there been any publishers offering book deals in the comments?  Also, I re-read the thing, like, 652 times just to make sure I didn’t miss any typos.  And, I even look at all the stuff that’s not really related to the current post like how many hits I’ve had from people searching for Pete’s Pride Pork Fritters, and what bizarre search engine terms have led people here lately.

So, because I hadn’t written, and therefore hadn’t been here at all, I’m just now seeing the great searches that were performed on my birthday.  Are you guys doing this on purpose?  Believe it or not I had three, yes, three searches on my birthday involving roller skating.  One of which was “why people like roller skating.”  Seriously?  Seriously?  Who needs to ask this?  Hubster, was that you?  (Oh, I’m sorry, that would be the “why people like dorky videos” search.)  Um, why do people like roller skating?  Hmm.  Let me think…gee, how about because it’s fun?  I mean, where else but the skating rink can you zoom around on wheels, to music, under a disco ball, AND watch people fall at the same time?  Besides heaven, I mean.  What’s not to like?  Sheesh. 

Then there was this one: skating alliteration.  No. Way.  Someone actually googled that and ended up here?  Sweet.  Those are, like, two of my favorite things.  Skating and saying something that starts with the same sound.  Heh heh.  Another one of my favorite things is rewriting songs.  Songs like, well, My Favorite Things…

Rewriting lyrics and butchering classics

Shocking the Hubster with kisses of static

Watching folks falling at the skating rink

These are the best things in life—so I think.

 

Writing in rhymes or with alliteration

Disco balls, coffee and procrastination

Big chunky jewelry and shoes with some bling

These are a few of my favorite things

 

Black raspberry pie and some laughing out loud

Yard-saling bargains and days without clouds

Having more hair than I had just last spring

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the sun’s gone

And my mood swings

When I’m feeling sad

I simply go get a big plate of cheese fries

(And vanilla Coke added straight to my thighs)

And then I don’t feel so bad

 

Yeah, I know, I don’t understand why no one is beating down my door to offer me a recording contract, either.  Perhaps it’s because I can’t sing my way out of a wet paper bag.

Blog Swiffering

I’ve been doing a little house cleaning.  No, not on my actual house, silly!  (No one was seriously thinking that I was really cleaning my life real house, were they?)  I’m talking about the blog’s sidebar.  Specifically, I have kicked a few links off the blogroll, and replaced them with some I’ve decided I like better.  I’m all fickle like that, you know. 

 First, let me tell you what I nuked.  The 5 Minutes for Mom blog got nuked because I never read it.  The only reason it ever got on there in the first place is because I participated in their blog party.  Other than that, I’m pretty disinterested, so bye-bye 5 Minutes for Mom.  The other blog I nuked from the roll is Stuff White People Like.  SWPL used to be funny.  I bet the authors were totally relieved to get that book deal two days before they completely ran out of anything funny to say.  Whew!  That was a close one, huh?

 Replacing those links are some of my new faves.  First off, is Cake Wrecks, which literally makes me laugh out loud.  You guys think I’m funny, but I don’t read my own writing when I want a really good laugh.  I go to Cake Wrecks (or the skating rink).  Of course, the visual element is a big part of what makes both Cake Wrecks and the skating rink so stinkin’ funny, but the commentary is mighty hilarious, too.

 In place of Stuff White People Like, we now have Stuff Christians Like.  Okay, while I’m generally annoyed by Christian versions of secular things—think remakes of songs like YMCA so that they have a Christian message—this blog is not only very funny, but also thought-provoking and well-written. Tuesday’s entry involving Jock Jesus was just plain funny, but many of Jon’s entries, such as today’s, are just good brain food.

 Finally, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a total word nerd.  Just last night, in fact, I proclaimed, “I love alliteration…a lot.”  A natural part of being a word nerd is the aversion to quotation mark abuse.  It makes something deep within me clench up and get irrationally irritated (Did I mention that I love alliteration?  A lot?) whenever I “see” quotation marks “used” in random and inexplicable ways.  Here’s the deal for those of you who are always wanting to apply quotation marks to everything you write: Unless you’re writing dialogue, those quotation marks are probably completely unnecessary.  Put the punctuation down and slowly back away.  That leads me to the final addition to the blog roll, The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotations. 

You Don’t Scare Me

My medical bill post gave some of you a little sticker shock.  Sure, I don’t have the money to pay a bill like that, but I’ve gotten enough of these things by now that it really doesn’t even phase me.  Really, what are they going to do?  Take their radiation back?  Or put my old boob back on?  Not that I’m a deadbeat about it or anything, but you know, there’s only so much cash to go around up in here.  Get in line, hospital.  Right behind the surgeon’s office, and the oncologist, and the lab, and the mammogram people, and the pathologist, and the foob store, and…. 

Besides, when you’ve faced down cancer, is anything else really scary anymore?   It’s kind of like, once you’ve given birth nothing else is really painful by comparison.   The first surgery I had was scary because I’d never had one before.  But was it the most painful thing I’ve ever done?  HECK no.  Not even close.  I’ve given birth—to a 9 lb baby—there IS no worse pain.  And, surgery isn’t even scary anymore because I’ve done it four stinkin’ times in the last year.  At this point I’m totally over it.  My biggest concern is whether or not it’ll keep me from going roller skating on the 2^nd Friday of the month.

So, sorry, hospital, you’re just going to have to wait your turn.

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Remember my post a couple of days ago about search engine terms people have used to find this blog?  I’ve got another one for you: “pink tourniquets”.  Gee, I didn’t know they came in colors.  All the ones I’ve ever had wrapped around my arm (at the same time, even) have been that generic rubber glove color.  Maybe my insurance will only pay for the generic, as opposed to the name brand tourniquet.  No fancy DKNY or Prada tourniquet for me.  Nope.  I get the Faded Glory tourniquet.

But I guess I can’t blame the insurance company.  If I had to pay for it, I’d be like, “We’re getting our tourniquets at a yard sale this year” or “We can’t draw your blood until July when the summer tourniquets go on clearance, because I am not paying full price” or “Make sure you hang onto that tourniquet and bring it back with you next time.” 

 

Mobile Blogging, and One of my Favorite Things

Wow! It’s been a long time, huh? It’s December, and life is crazy…what can I say? This year has been particularly insane due to Hubster’s work schedule and my radiation schedule. Add that to the usual stuff, and you’ve got one heap of busy. Last Friday, for example, I had radiation at 10 AM, then the monthly homeschool skating day from 1-3 PM, then ringing the bell for the Salvation Army from 4-6 PM, then an open house in the evening. Interspersed throughout was shopping for our Angel Tree kid, lunch and a whole lot of driving.

One of these days maybe I’ll learn to multitask well enough to post blog entries while I’m behind the wheel. You know, maybe I could just have some sort of high tech setup where I speak my blog entries and they’re posted here in real time….”I’ve just arrived at radiation where I’m sure that Kelly has changed the channel over to the Food Network…ARRRRGGGHHH! Oh my word, it’s on channel 10 AGAIN! Stupid Family Feud!” (Later that day…) “We’re on our way to the skating rink. This is the first time I’ve been able to use the skates Hubster got me on Ebay because…DRIVE MUCH, LADY?! Sheesh! HEY BUDDY—EVER CONSIDERED DRIVING IN YOUR OWN LANE?!” Okay, maybe that real time mobile blogging thing isn’t such a good idea.

As a side note, I just read the above paragraph to Mini Me, complete with Sam Kinnison-esque screaming. Upon completion, all she had to say was, “There’s something wrong with you.” What would I do without such affirmation? She’s the wind beneath my wings, I tell ya.

So on Friday, I went to radiation and informed them that the skin was peeling in the armpit. (And, FYI, I have NOT been wearing deodorant lately) I had discovered this the night before when applying cream to the area felt like I was sawing on my pit with a steak knife. They tell you (you know, that omniscient and mysterious “they”) that radiation may cause a sunburn sort of thing. One of my books actually says, “You’ll probably have a mild sunburn effect.” Let me just say that this doesn’t look like any sunburn I’ve ever had…but perhaps they mean the type some would normally get from direct physical contact with a flaming orb. At the very least, it looks like I spent a good 30 minutes pouring boiling water onto my pit. The rest of the treated area looks a little red, but doesn’t feel bad at all.

Am I the only cancer girl out there who has had it up to her flaming armpits with people not telling the truth about this stuff? When THEY tell me that I might peel like I’ve had a bad sunburn, that brings to mind a painless, dry peeling, not the nasty, painful, serious skin loss I’ve got going on. This isn’t the first time I’ve had people not quite tell me the whole truth about side effects. What’s up with that? I can handle just about anything, but it’s helpful to me if I can have some idea of what I’ve got to deal with instead of some sugar-coated bull!  

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As I mentioned before, one of the places we went on Friday was the skating rink. Joy! I LOVE to roller skate, but even though I’d recently gotten a pair of skates, I wasn’t yet allowed to use them per Dr Schmidt’s orders. (He never lets me have any fun.) While some people may consider Disneyland to be the happiest place on earth, for me, the happiest place is the skating rink. There, I get to enjoy two of my absolute favorite things: roller skating and watching people fall. Yeah, that’s right, watching people fall. Flame me if you want to—I don’t care. Physical comedy just slays me. And no, I don’t wait to laugh until after I ask, “Are you okay?” Now, if somebody fell into, let’s say a big hot dog factory meat grinder, I might not think that was funny. But just a run of the mill, arms flailing in a desperate attempt to steady oneself by grasping madly at thin air, good old fashioned fall on the butt is my kind of humor. Consequently, being at the skating rink full of kids is a little slice of sparkling disco ball heaven. Friday was a good day.