Pink Ribbon Overload: There is No Escape

 

Congratulations to our friend Ashlee, who managed to snap a picture of the elusive pink ribbon tiny hair tongs.  Speaking from experience, I’d say these might come in particularly handy when you finally decide that no amount of mascara is going to make your two remaining eyelashes look like a full set.

 

  And then there’s this.  What is it, you ask?  Well, DUH!  It’s a thing to hold your spoon for you, silly!  Because really, who has time to hold their own spoon anymore?  Sheesh!  Next thing you know you’ll be telling me you expect me to actually make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!  Notice also, the pink ribbon coffee to the right of the spoon holder thingies.  See what I mean, folks?  There is no escape. Don’t be tryin’ to forget you’ve got The Cancer during the month of October.   Ain’t gonna happen.

 Finally, we have some mighty pink earphones.  Now, I’m actually kinda diggin’ these things.  At least they’re bright pink, and not all pastel, wimpy pink.  Besides, when you’re wearing them, you wouldn’t actually be able to see them to be reminded about your cancer.

 Tomorrow is it—the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I’ve saved a few of my favorites for tomorrow’s post, so check back then.  And thanks to everyone who submitted photos—you guys made it way more fun than it would have been if it were just me.

Pink Ribbon Overload: If You Can’t Take the Pink, Get Out of the Kitchen

Sometimes, pink ribbon products sneak home unnoticed.  I present Exhibit A: The Pink Ribbon Broccoli.  I picked this up at the store on Friday, but didn’t notice until Monday that it’s breast cancer broccoli.  Mmmmm!  That sounds almost as yummy as Tanya’s breast cancer soup!  If I can find some pink ribbon Velveeta, we’d be all set for some breast cancer broccoli cheese soup.

 

We also have Exhibit B: The rare albino pink ribbon edition Kitchen Aid Mixer, as submitted by Jennifer.  I say rare because Kitchen Aid is well known for its pink, really, really pink product line.   Jennifer noted, “If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t even realize the ribbon was there, no pink mixer, no excessive pinkness on the box….Maybe this is the way to do it, you can feel good about the pink ribbon purchase, but aren’t constantly reminded about the cancer every time you use it.  And, if you are gift-giving, it can be kind of like, ‘I donated to the pink ribbon in your name, and I got you this mixer as a token of their appreciation.’  Kind of like Save the Whales, but with the added advantage of a mixer instead of a paper certificate.” 

 

 Hey, I’m all for free kitchen gadgets.  Now all I need is that ribbon shaped cake pan…

Pink Ribbon Overload: We’ve Got You Covered

I know what some of your are thinking.  “But Moody, I don’t have a cat, or wear thong underwear, and I air dry my hair—how can I participate in this pink ribbon madness?”  Fear not, my friends.  You see, there are plenty of pink ribbon items out there that don’t require pet ownership or purchase of something exotic like a thong or a blow dryer.

 

Fellow survivors, have you ever awoken in the middle of the night and wondered if this was all just a dream—you know, like J.R. getting shot?  Once when I was still bald, I dreamed that I all of a sudden had a bunch of hair.  But, middle of the night confusion won’t be an issue for the lucky girl who has a pink ribbon nightlight.  At 3:00 AM you can wake up and be reassured that yes, indeed, you’ve got The Cancer.  Sweet dreams.

 

Or if that’s not your cup of tea, how about this spiffy mug.  Is that a Jesus fish or a pink ribbon?  I guess maybe it’s a fish while you’re holding it upright, but when you drink out of it, well I’ll be darned, it’s a pink ribbon!  Why, that’s almost like two for the price of one!  And notice, my friends, that it has the words “survive” and “pray” all over it.  As in, pray you’ll survive, because you’ve got one foot in the grave, you know.  Is that inspirational or what?

 

But perhaps you already have a lot of pink ribbon gear, and what you’re really wanting is to be able to splash some pink into your bathroom.  How about a pair of rubber duckies?  Or maybe a pink ribbon toothbrush? 

 

 

If you’re lucky, you might even find some pink ribbon toilet paper.  After all, if cats have pink ribbon kitty litter, then toilet paper can’t be far behind, so to speak. 

 

Props to TC at Fish in My Hair for today’s overload items.

Pink Ribbon Overload: Back Off, Cancer!

 

Ah, if only it were that easy. 

 You know, if like, you actually had the chance to throw down with cancer.  If you were walking home late one night and cancer jumped out of an alley, and you had the chance to defend yourself before it took hold.  With your keys, and the one karate move you remember from that class you took when you were eight, and this: your official pink ribbon pepper spray.  “Back off, Cancer!!” you’d growl, “Don’t make me kick your can from here to Christmas.”  And Cancer would be thinking, “Uh-oh, this one’s got pepper spray,” and he’d turn and book straight back from whence he came.

 I found this display at the local Gander Mountain camping/hiking/hunting/fishing store, where you can also buy pink (although not officially pink ribbon) handguns.  So, for those of you who just don’t feel like pepper spray is quite adequate to express the feelings you have for cancer, you also have the opportunity to bust a cap in cancer’s @ss. 

Perhaps Nunya’s friend would like to get one to go with her sister’s Flava Flav pink ribbon pendant.  You know, to complete that whole breast cancer gangsta look.

Pink Ribbon Overload: It’s Scoopable

I know there’s been all kinds of speculation as to what the pink gloves are really used for.  Well, my friends, I think I’ve figured it out.  It’s not for doing self-exams, or for gardening, and you’re not even supposed to milk ‘em in spite of the fact that they look like udders.  Nope.  They are, in fact, made to be used in conjunction with the pink ribbon kitty litter submitted for your perusal by our friend Ryan. 

 Well, I’ll be darned!  And you thought your cat didn’t give a crap about your cancer.  

 And, hey, whenever you’re scooping lumps out of the litter box, that pink ribbon on the jug will remind you to look for your own lumps by doing your monthly exam.  Although, I hope you’re cleaning the box out more than once a month.  “Safe and Powerful Odor Control” only goes so far, you know.

Pink Ribbon Overload: Because Cows Hate The Cancer, Too!

 

Boy, was I glad I had the camera with me at Big Lots yesterday, or else I wouldn’t have been able to share this with you.  Heh heh.  Sure, the packaging says they’re garden gloves, but we’re all thinking they remind us of something else, aren’t we?  Okay, on the count of three, I want everyone to say it out loud, and with feeling. 

 One.   Two.  Three.

 

UDDERS!

 

An army of udders as a matter of fact.  How appropriate considering the subject matter. 

 

However, my first thought upon seeing this marvelous display was that perhaps they’re some sort of special equipment for doing those monthly breast self-exams.  What you really can’t appreciate from the picture is that the darker pink part on the fingers has this creepy, stringy, rubbery stuff that looks like a tumor sculpted out of bubble gum, and is apparently supposed to give the wearer a better grip.   I’m thinking that since it’s often advocated to do the ol’ BSE in the shower, this non-skid coating may be particularly handy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking for Hair Tongs in All the Wrong Places

And now it’s time for another look at those crazy search engine terms.  You know, the ones people are apparently googling that somehow cause them to end up here.  I wasn’t planning to write about them again so soon, but they’ve just been so doggone funny lately, that I had made a mental note to write about it in the near future.  But not quite yet.

That is, until I glanced at them this morning.  And when I saw that someone had gotten to my blog by searching the phrase “how to blow dry hair after mastectomy” I thought to myself, “Okay, that’s it, I’ve got to blog this today.  Pray tell, o searcher of this phrase, are you wondering how to go about blow drying your copious chest hair?  Has Tom Selleck had a recent mastectomy? Just curious.

And then there’s this gem: “does richard simmons have breast implant”  Gee, I know I’ve got Richard Simmons hair, but I never realized I was going to have a boob just like his, too.  Yay me.  I draw the line at sequined tank tops and stripey short-shorts, however.  So, if you ever see me looking like this, it’s time for an intervention.

Believe it or not, we haven’t had a pork fritter search in about 5 days.  We have, however, had a search for the Spelterville Inn, which is almost the same thing since, as everyone knows, it’s home of the tenderloin the size of Rhode Island.

Then there are the cryptic phrases, “bald people doomed” and “tiny hair tongs”.  Gee, I don’t even know what to say about those two, except to wonder if the tongs are for grasping tiny hair, or if they are actually made of hair.  Are the tongs tiny, or are they normal sized but constructed from tiny hairs.  And finally, was the author really searching for tweezers?  Perhaps she has chemo brain and can’t remember what they’re called.  “What are those things that you use to pluck your eyebrows?  I can’t think of what they’re called, but they look like tiny tongs…” 

Of course, on any given day, some lame-o ends up here after searching for things like “swim suite show boob no top” or “bathing suit boobs” or “little boobs water park”.  Okay, first of all, you pervs, the least you could do is learn to freakin’ spell suit.  As in swim SUIT.  Not suite.  Which is an entirely different thing altogether.  Second of all, I bet you were about 31 flavors of disappointed when you got here and saw that the closest thing I had to a boob shot was a picture of a fake boob with a face.  Serves you right.  I hope your search for water park boobs landed you right smack on this entry, where the sight of Gertrude and Margaret in mastectomy suits left you blinded, and scarred for life.

Pink Ribbon Overload: The Blow Dryer

Dear Madge,

I heard you started chemo, and I wanted to get you a little something to let you know how much I care.  I saw this pink ribbon blow dryer, and of course I thought of you, since cancer is your new identity and all. 

Buying one for you made me feel so doggone good about fighting cancer, that I decided to get one for myself, too.  Every time I dry my hair, I’ll think of you and say to myself, “Thank God I’m not bald like Madge.”

I hope you enjoy your blow dryer during the next two weeks that you still have hair.  Of course, you’ll have hair again some day—in about a year or so, you’ll even have enough to warrant a more than a towel dry!  And when that day comes, you’ll have this really pink dryer to remind you that once upon a time you were bald ’cause you had the cancer.

Your Friend,

Eunice

Pink Ribbon Overload: Congratulations–You’ve Got the Cancer! Now Make a Wish…

Inspired by Cake Wrecks is today’s post—the pink ribbon cake.  Because really, isn’t a big, honkin’, buttercream slathered, pink ribbon shaped cake always the best way to congratulate someone on their cancer diagnosis? 

This picture came from a site where you buy the ribbon shaped pan.  You know what that means, right? You can make ’em any color you want!  So, for all you melanoma folks who are feeling left out because you can’t find any black ribbon products, you can now make your own.  Oh sure, TC, I realize it’s not quite as cool as the pink ribbon sock purse, but it’s a start.  And hey, if you don’t think you can finish that whole thing yourself, you can always split it with the Amish—it’s their awareness ribbon color, too.  Though I’m not quite sure I understand what that means. 

Or, you could make your very own orange ribbon cake, which symbolizes awareness for leukemia, feral cats, and work zone safety.  Really.  Google it.  Of course, you might end up right back here like all those pork fritter googlin’ folks.  Too bad pork fritters don’t have their own ribbon.

Pink Ribbon Overload: The Undies

There appears to be no shortage of breast cancer themed underwear available, because both Ryan and TC submitted thongs for your inspection.  First, we have Ryan’s entry.  Pardon the pun, but this has got to be the butt-ugliest underwear I’ve ever seen.  You may not be able to tell, but the tree is decorated entirely in little pink ribbons.  The description for this item states: “We splashed just the right amount of pink on this design and yet still kept the Christmas holiday.”  I counted 46 pink ribbons on the tree.  Apparently 45 wasn’t quite the right amount.  Then there’s Rudolph’s nose—look at it, perched up there like a pink cherry atop this marvelous example of graphic artistry.   And what exactly is the message here, anyway?   Merry Christmas—You’ve got the cancer?  As far as I’m concerned, cancer’s not invited to my Christmas.

Next we have TC’s example.  Because nothing says sexy like a white cotton thong with “Who needs Tatas?” printed on the front in plain black ink.  Honestly, until I saw these items, it never occurred to me that thongs could even be made out of white cotton.  Like, I expect white cotton to automatically weave itself into granny drawers no matter what, refusing to become anything else.  “A thong?  I don’t think so, buddy, I’m white cotton.  I don’t become thongs.  I become your grandma’s underwear—full-coverage, baby, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” 

But regardless of whether you prefer the Christmas theme, or the plain Jane version, we can all take pride in the fact that these items were made right here in the good ol’ US of A.  China might be making 99% of our cheap crap, but doggone it, they’re not making our white cotton thongs!